Clean Face & A New Creative Space

What a year the past 77 days have been.

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20 days ago I was sitting on my bed with my alumni pin on my pajama shirt contemplating my graduation day from miles away from the stage. This wasn’t how my senior year was supposed to end. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  Myself, alongside others have had to give up memories, “lasts,” and many goodbyes. This was a small price to pay to keep our loved ones and friends safe.

So how do I feel walking across this stage? Closing a chapter but opening another one. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed in all honesty. A little like when you wake up from a nightmare, cold sweats in your bed and your frozen like you haven’t actually woken up and are halfway in one reality and half in another. There is so much I have yet to process about ending this season.

I was challenged with a question a few weeks ago, what will you do with this time you have? When you don’t know what’s coming for you in the future, what do you do? Here’s where I take a line from Frozen II, do the next right thing. What’s the next right step for me? Well I took a big step and found something I’m passionate about and chose to pursue it. Income is hard to come by as artists know, so until the theatres are in business again, I had to improvise! So here is my why I joined Beautycounter.

I had a very unexpected journey that led me to becoming a Consultant for Beautycounter! I’ve always been passionate about clean health and being assured that anything I put in or on my body is safe. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at 19 and began searching for ways to keep my body safe from toxic chemicals and allergens. Makeup and beauty products were always a struggle because almost everything I tried would cause a flare or an allergic reaction on my sensitive skin. I was first introduced to Beautycounter when my mom gifted a few makeup products and I instantly fell in love!

My why is I am passionate about safety and beauty products and honestly feeling safe and comfy in the skin you're in! I began a journey in 2016 to eat healthier and be more conscious about what I put in my body. Then after my diagnosis in 2018, I wasn't only concerned about what I ate but also what I was wearing. With an autoimmune disease it is hard finding products that don't cause flares and still make you feel beautiful! This has completely revolutionized how I buy and choose my products so I can be the healthiest I can be while also doing my part to use natural and sustainable products. I was introduced to Beautycounter by a few autoimmune-sisters who have had similar skin sensitivity woes!

 I was blown away with how attentive and careful the company is with ingredient lists and formulating effective and beautiful products! Beautycounter has a three-fold mission, to create and distribute safer products, to educate consumers about the need for safer products, and finally to advocate for more health-protective laws in the personal care industry. Did you know that the last time Congress had passed a law regulating the cosmetics industry was in 1938? We are woefully behind on regulations and “no lists” in the US. Beautycounter has led the beauty industry with a “Never List” of over 1,800 ingredients never used in our formulations. Clean beauty has never been easier or in such a beautiful and sustainable package! This list is ever changing and being added to so that our products are the safest they can be. I've learned that unlike Europe which has banned 1,400 ingredients in beauty production, the US has only banned 30. We want to change that.

I want to advocate for change in this industry and for more transparency! Clean beauty has never been easier or in such a beautiful and sustainable package! If you have any questions for me about my personal journey to cleaner living and health OR about Beautycounter don't hesitate to email me here!

Drown to Breathe

I was attempting to explain to a friend the other day why it is so difficult for me to hear truth as truth during a panic attack. In my attempt to explain, I realized a couple of truths and found myself describing something that I feel may be a helpful analogy for anyone who struggles or knows someone who fights panic attacks.

1. Logic does not help a panic attack for the simple fact that panic attacks are anything but!

I feel like this needs little explaining considering the very idea of a panic attack is illogical. You get stuck inside your head and therefore have the feeling your body is taking control and there’s nothing you can do. The fact that you are therefore fighting against your own thoughts/body is already a terrifying thought and so fighting this with simple logic will not help.

2. Though panic attacks seem extremely emotionally driven and the sensation feels similar to that of “going crazy,” to simply validate one’s emotions isn’t helpful either

. Often the emotions one feels during a panic attack are illogical or even phobic and so validating those fears or emotions may just increase the adrenaline because it means there is something to be fearful of (even if it’s one’s own emotions).

3. Asking your friend experiencing the attack frequent questions about what they are experiencing or asking how you can help may make it worse.

I know you want to be helpful! But you really aren’t…Being asked what you’re experiencing or what someone can do to help sometimes makes you feel you have to answer or that what you’re doing is wrong and needs to help. It’s honestly best to live them to their own ways of coping. I’ve been known to apologize profusely or attempt to explain my behavior in the moment which can lead to more pronounced symptoms like hyperventilating, etc. because we want to

fix it.

4. Finally my analogy for why it is seemingly impossible to recognize truth as truth during a panic attack.

I cannot pretend to coin the analogy of a panic attack feeling like drowning, but I will ask you to think back to a time when you were underwater. Now imagine you are holding your breath beneath the surface and you can see colors and movement above but can’t make clear images out. You may even be able to heard murmurs and some shouts but it’s so muddled to recognize as intelligible. You feel trapped and want to breathe which seems logical because you are holding your breath, but then you realize that if you were to take a breath now beneath the surface you would surely drown. So instead you must wait until you reemerge at the surface and can see and hear things clearer and are safe to draw in breath. During a panic attack every thought, feeling, or image you think of its being filtered through a film that is muddled and unclear. This film can be made up of anything from lies from someone in the past, to thoughts of yourself, or even PTSD images of something that’s been done to you. Everything is then felt and seen through that filter, so that even if its truth, it may be so distorted to the point that it is unrecognizable as a truth. It could even be something so known by you that a part of you can recognize it as a truth but it’s not affecting or changing the fact that your still in this. That’s like hearing or seeing things partially through the surface of the water but not being able comprehend what you’re truly hearing or seeing. Another important part of a panic attack is that they aren’t actually meant to be fought. The more you try to fight it, which may seem like the logical choice (like breathing underwater) may result in a more painful or prolonged attack.

         What can I do??

Now you might be thinking, “Well Bonnie, if my friend is having a panic attack I feel so helpless and now you’ve taken away all of my options of helping! What do I do?" 

Everyone has their different ways of coping or my favorite term

allowing-through

a panic attack. What works for me may not work for my friend. But I know for myself, being left on my own is sometimes the best. I can be alone or with you but it’s most helpful if you don’t interfere with my process. I’ve been known to send someone for a cup of water or painkiller if they were being too “help-y.” I’ve also had kind friends simply sit with me and allow me to do my thing and wait for me to ask for help-which may never happen. As I said before, continuous questions lead to explanations and apologies which are not helpful.

(Obviously I can NOT stress this enough!)

          It’s important to remember that anxiety isn’t going to hurt you. And something that can’t hurt you doesn’t have power over you. By allowing through the attack you are telling your body that everything is okay and that the temporary discomfort you are experiencing now will not last forever. It takes courage to stand up to anxiety, but the reward is freedom from the fears that threaten your peace.

Breathe out, allow discomfort, and breathe in stillness.

What was Invisible Visible

“My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Psalm 73:26

September 13, 2017. I woke up that morning with abdominal pain. I didn’t know then how far I would come in a little over a year. I went to the ER that night in excruciating pain thinking I was going to come out with one less organ. Instead I left with more questions than answers, which led to more and more questions and more hospital visits and prescriptions than I could possibly have imagined.

            Having a chronic illness feels like drowning. I’ve heard it best described as a room. A room you feel trapped in but you’ve done nothing to trap yourself inside. It’s not something that praying more can aid or taking more vitamins can remedy. Let’s focus on the room for a minute. I usually see it as my dorm room. It’s comfortable, homey, and people I love come in and out on the daily. But there’s one way in and out and it’s through a door. To leave the room, one must simply open the door and walk out, but sometimes I unintentionally feel I shut that door and shut everyone else out and myself in. I sit inside and tend to my wounds and allow a heavy weight and my hurts to take root in my mind. A dear friend told me once, “don’t let your chronic pain be a room you live in but a hallway to knowing Christ better.”

On this day, January 3, last year I had my diagnostic surgery for endometriosis. They went in and found PCOS coupled with Endometrial tissue growing on my abdomen and the back of my pelvis. The Mayo Clinic describes endometriosis as,

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus.

With endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal bands of fibrous tissue that can cause pelvic tissues and organs to stick to each other.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. 

I’m on my fourth form of treatment for my endometriosis presently. In 2018 I began dieting for pain management and to lower inflammation of my abdomen which causes pelvic pain. Being in college on a highly restrictive diet is tough, let me tell you. But it’s better than trying to hide the inevitable “endo belly” which is the result of inflammation and irritation because of blood on my abdomen or something I’ve eaten. PCOS has affected me less, I’ve had at least two cysts rupture that I had to go to the hospital and receive painkillers for. Endometriosis I live with every day.

Seeing my season of chronic pain as a place to grow in Christ brought a nearness to Him than I had ever known before. One of the hardest days I experienced was the day my doctor told me my condition was treatable but NOT curable. I hadn’t realized how important that word “cure” was to me. My hope began to fade rapidly. I felt broken past the point of ever being put back together again. That was a few weeks after my surgery, a diagnostic surgery that was basically a seal on my identity I was sealing for myself. Instead of having an autoimmune disease, I decided that I

was

an autoimmune disease. Instead of having chronic pain, I decided I was chronic pain. Comparison was the thief of any hope I was being offered by doctors, it just seemed like small teaspoons next to the vat of self-hatred I was brewing against my own body.

As terrible as cancer is, it has a hope for a cure and even remission. I have no cure for my illness as of yet. How did this bring me nearer to Christ? The word, “cure” was key for me. I realized something about the gospel that I hadn’t recognized before. Christ experienced pain and suffering in his flesh, he chose to become fully man and suffer inconceivable pain on my behalf. My state of spiritual death because of my sin had no cure, but He brought me healing through His blood. In praying for a “cure” or healing physically I found this greater blessing of His healing He desires for my soul. Through this season of healing, Jeremiah 33:6 whispered in the dark, “Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.” (Which I requested my mom to read over me before going into surgery last year) I truly believe he binds up the brokenness of His people. He binds the brokenness in me.

“The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”

Elisabeth Elliot

This year I’ve discovered more freedom (Read “Chapter Free” blogpost from July) in my chronic illness. The Lord has gifted me with friends walking this with me either through social media (The Tiredgirl Society) or at school. It’s so easy to buy into the lie that I’m overreacting and that it’s all in my head. The days that I push through the pain, following the well-known mantra “fake it till you make it” the harder I fall. I’ll get a flare up of endo or pelvic pain, my auto immune will drop and I’ll catch whatever comes down the pike. With a chronic illness one can also experience hard to predict or explain symptoms like chronic fatigue, migraines, back pain, or nausea.

I’ve struggled a lot trying to hide my illness from my family and friends. Pretending to be okay when I’m not, missing out on important events, family gatherings, and even a show because of my health. I’ve avoided eating in public school areas, choosing to sit in my room during lunch or not going out with friends because of my diet and to avoid bringing attention to what I can or can’t eat. I’ve chosen to wear larger clothes when I feel bloated or am in pain because clothing touching my stomach or hips kills me. I’ve sat through classes wanting to scream or tried to discreetly run out of the room some days when a toradol doesn’t touch the pain.

I watched a lot of “year in review” photo reels on Instagram and other social media platforms this week and so I did one myself but didn’t feel a peace about it after posting. There was something missing, besides the lack of photos in January and February, because of my surgery. Then I found the photo from the pre op of my surgery on January 3, 2018. I wrote this on the caption I posted to follow on my ig story, which then inspired me to write this post.

“This photo didn’t make it to the “highlight reel” I put it here as a REMINDER to myself and to anyone who made it through all of the pics before…that life isn’t always the ig, it’s the unforeseen hospital trips, the sleepless nights, and the countless meds to get to class in the morning. It’s surgeries and dieting instead of getting to be a normal college student. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Life isn’t the highlight reel. It’s finding the highs in real life.”

My pastor in Hot Springs said once, while discussing the movie

Wonder,

“We’ve all heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people,” but I also believe that, “healed people heal people.” That’s why I wrote this post. I wanted to share my story of having an invisible illness to let you know you’re not alone. Healing is in sight. Your diagnosis has a name and a cure. The hands of Jesus are anointed for my healing.

You may not see my scars but I carry them with me underneath my shirt and beneath my skin. Just as Christ carries the wounds on his hands from my salvation. You probably didn’t see this picture when I came home from Italy. I was embarrassed of my scars. I’m no longer ashamed to bear my scars. They are a memorial of pain, yet a reminder of hope.

Cited:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/endometriosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20354656

Cory Cangelosi, Pastor at NEW LIFE CHURCH in Hot Springs, AR

Why a Dress?

           I decided to swear off pants for a whole month. May not seem like a big deal, but it’s more than just choosing to wear a dress every day of December. It’s about choosing to make a statement every day of December. I didn’t realize how little time it took me to choose an outfit in the morning till I realized the choice wasn’t as simple. I’ll admit, there were mornings it wasn’t the

easiest

to wear or choose a dress. (8 am finals being one, or waking ten minutes before my class, or maybe when it’s freezing cold outside and you have to walk across campus just to get to class). But I still made the choice to make a statement. What I realized through this is that many women every day do not get the same choice. Not only on what they wear, but what they do each day, who they see, where they go, etc. Their days are not their own but decisions are made by someone who

owns

them. Someone who has violated their personal freedom physically, mentally, emotionally, or maybe a combination of the three. This reality made me even more awake to the injustice of human trafficking and reminded me why I’m wearing a dress.

I got asked a lot what Dressember is or why I had decided to wear only dresses for 31 days. (And I’ll admit, sometimes I wasn’t asked, I just got complimented on my dress and then I got so passionate I just launched into explaining Dressember to an innocent passerby!) Let me take a minute to explain what the heck it is and why it’s so important to me.

In 2005, the founder and CEO of Dressember began hearing about sex trafficking and was deeply affected by the injustice, but felt helpless to make a difference. She was sexually abused as a young girl and has suffered from the emotional trauma, guilt, and shame since then and was heartbroken for the millions of others in bondage to the same trauma she suffered

.

“In 2009, Blythe challenged herself to wear a dress every day of December (hence: Dressember). The next year, a few friends joined in. By the third year, her friends' friends began to participate, and it occurred to Blythe that there was more to this challenge than she originally thought. By 2013, the movement blossomed into something completely unexpected - an international campaign to aid the fight against sex trafficking.”

(

Dressember.org/whyadress

)

Since then, every year in December, advocates of all ages make a statement with a dress or bow tie every day. What does this do you may ask? Exactly that! Raises questions and promotes global awareness of modern day slavery. It’s a conversation piece that educates our community. The initiative has raised millions of dollars through Dressember advocates and their commitment to fighting injustice with a dress.

Why is this so important to me and countless others? Let me share a few facts and statistics regarding human trafficking in our world today.

1. Globally, the average cost of a slave is $90.

2. Trafficking primarily involves exploitation which comes in many forms, including: forcing victims into prostitution, subjecting victims to slavery or involuntary servitude and compelling victims to commit sex acts for the purpose of creating pornography.

3. According to some estimates, approximately 80% of trafficking involves sexual exploitation, and 19% involves labor exploitation.

4. There are approximately 20 to 30 million slaves in the world today.

5. According to the U.S. State Department, 600,000 to 800,000 people are trafficked across international borders every year, of which 80% are female and half are children.

6. The average age a teen enters the sex trade in the U.S. is 12 to 14-year-old. Many victims are runaway girls who were sexually abused as children.

7. California harbors 3 of the FBI’s 13 highest child sex trafficking areas on the nation: Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Diego.

8. The National Human Trafficking Hotline receives more calls from Texas than any other state in the US. 15% of those calls are from the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

9. Human trafficking is the third largest international crime industry (behind illegal drugs and arms trafficking). It reportedly generates a profit of $32 billion every year. Of that number, $15.5 billion is made in industrialized countries.

10. The International Labour Organization estimates that women and girls represent the largest share of forced labor victims with 11.4 million trafficked victims (55%) compared to 9.5 million (45%) men.

Now you may be asking, “What can

I

do?” If so, I have a couple suggestions. First of all,

raise awareness. Any time of year can be a time to have a conversation about slavery. Wearing a dress or bowtie in December is a simple way to make it into a conversation topic. But raising awareness is definitely the first step.

Second, consider taking a minute to give monetarily to the effort of raising global

awareness and eradicating slavery and the sex trafficking trade. I’ll attach my campaign to this post or use the link on my Facebook page. Any amount helps. The money raised goes toward the urgent needs of a labor or sex trafficking survivor (therapy, food, medical care, etc.), aftercare would include counseling for a survivor who has undergone years of drama which may take years of mental as well as physical care before they can experience wholeness, or a rescue operation conducted by law enforcement who investigate a case and then go in and rescue victims.

https://dressember-2018.funraise.org/team/gentry-girls

Thirdly, supporting those who have survived and are attempting to make their way.

Many programs are out there that allow women and children to make their way after being rescued. In building their lives again, they often struggle to find work and make a living.

The Starfish Project

sells jewelry handcrafted by women who are regaining dignity and self-worth after years in the sex industry.

Check out their website and gift shop to buy some beautiful pieces made for a purpose.

https://starfishproject.com/

A 21 is another organization committed to abolishing slavery everywhere. You can commit to giving monthly or make a purchase that benefits the aftercare of a survivor.

https://www.a21.org/content/shop/gnw66w?permcode=gnw66w

For my readers in Arkansas, PATH (Partners Against Trafficking Humans) is a missions based organization that “advocates for those victimized by the sex-industry by providing a safe environment where healing can occur, making success possible and dreams achievable.” They integrate faith, learning, and healing into the aftercare of victims. Go to their website to give or purchase a prayer bracelet made by women and children who have been rescued.

http://pathsaves.org/shop-gifts/

Finally, commit to prayer for those enslaved. What a time to remember those in captivity as we celebrate and remember the sacrifice Christ made in humbling himself and taking on flesh to bring us out of captivity! In his death, He not only defeated death and crushed Satan’s head, he delivered us from the bondage of sin and allowed for all who call upon His name to have eternal life! We no longer walk in darkness though the darkness surrounds us because of His glorious light he sent into the world IN US through His Holy Spirit. In remembering those in bondage we praise Him for the deliverance coming and also pray for their deliverance from the physical bondage of slavery. There is power in our prayers.

I’ll close with a quote I’ve read outside the door of a professor’s office. “You’ll never look into the face of someone God doesn’t unconditionally love.” He deeply loves every man, woman, and child and even their offenders. And He has called His people to be His hands and feet to a world in darkness.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post all the way through. God bless you and have a Merry Christmas!

Sources used:

https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-human-trafficking

https://dressember-2018.funraise.org/

https://www.a21.org/content/who-we-are/gnihwo

http://pathsaves.org/about/

https://starfishproject.com/our-mission-3/

Picture credit: Landon Salmon

Chapter Free

          Chapter titles have long been an important thing to me. I confess when judging a book, I usually look at a couple different things… 1. The cover (I know, but ignoring the cliché for a moment, you know you do it too!) 2. The first sentence 3. Whether or not the chapters have titles.

If you know me, you probably know my favorite book is “Love Does” by Bob Goff. Now you may ask how Bob passed my criteria with flying colors. Well, I’m glad you asked! First of all, balloons backed by a favorite shade of sky blue covers number one. I mean, who doesn’t love balloons?? His first sentence in the introduction is, “I do all my best thinking on Tom Sawyer Island at Disneyland.” That sure grabs my attention! Side note: for those who enjoy “Love Does” as much as I have, may be delighted to know that my brother and his wife went to Disneyland recently, and proved this to be very true! Now to my third point, chapter titles. The first one to grab your attention are titles like “The Reach,” “Ryan in Love,” and “Go Buy Your Books!,” and “A Word not to Use.”

I think chapter titles do a few things for the reader. It gives the author a chance to introduce his idea to you before you read the chapter. And it gives the reader a preconceived idea of what the chapter will be about. Rarely would a title be purposefully misleading. Maybe at first, you’ll find the chapter titled “Peace of my Mind” to be about nothing but conflict, restlessness, and nothing but peace in a relationship. But more often than not, at the end of the chapter the author leads you to a conclusion of peace despite some difficult circumstances along the way.

I’ve seen the Lord operate in my life with chapter titles quite often. In my experience, He uses different ways to communicate with us in ways we will listen. I love stories and storytelling, and I’ve noticed that He does too. That’s a way He’s chosen for me to function and a way that He can operate in my life to shape me into His image. As I go through different seasons in my life sometimes the Lord will reveal certain words to me that I then see played out through circumstances, stories I hear or read about.

This summer the word has been “Freedom.” I was a little confused at first because I believed this new chapter would be about independence or rebellion or something and I was like… um really God? But I learned quickly that my definition of freedom wasn’t the same as the Biblical definition. Happens quite a lot actually.

My first experience was when I traveled to Italy. Lots of baby steps took place in that trip which you can read about in my last blogpost. A year ago I would’ve never imagined myself spending five weeks away from my home and my family in a different country, much less going off by myself in the afternoons and sitting at a café alone. I’ve mentioned my anxiety disorder a few times either on my blog or in a conversation with you. (I’d be happy to have a tell you all about how God is redeeming me in that area over a cup of coffee!) Last year I had at least two panic attacks on an airplane. One was an international flight with 4 hours left on the journey. I’m happy to say that I took MANY flights and train rides while overseas and did not have to use Xanax once!! This was a HUGE victory. I also climbed to the top of the Capitol building in Rome which defied all of my opposition and fears to gravity.

Once home, I assumed this chapter would close and a new one would begin, but I was surprised that my anxiety was only one area the Lord wanted to reach in me. He wanted me to realized that the idea that my anxiety is my identity is a LIE. I got really excited about what He was doing and dove head first into this adventure of “Freedom.”

I’ve experienced freedom in areas of health, relationships, mentally, and spiritually! My doctor and I have made leaps and bounds in my health journey. (Looking forward to blogging about that soon!) I went from suffering physically, mentally, and spiritually from adrenal fatigue and chronic pain, to thriving in a job this summer which keeps me on my feet all day and having enough energy to play with kiddos.

Mentally, there were several barriers of fear that I needed to push past to get to where I am today. This started on a fifty-minute flight to Little Rock, AR I took in July entirely alone. As excited as I was to take this next step in freedom, I had battle waging inside of me. My body struggles understanding the difference of “good adrenaline” and “bad adrenaline.” You’ve probably thought of this as separate if you’ve never experienced the hormonal confusion of your brain convincing you that running two minutes late for a class equates as watching your life flash before your eyes before a car accident. Good adrenaline is what you feel before a performance that gives you a feeling of nervousness but then allows you to have energy. Bad adrenaline is what terrifies you before a car accident or if a shooter points a gun at your head. The freedom I felt on the plane and later on a drive to Plano driving across an overpass for the first time alone was so exhilarating it cannot be encompassed in words.

I pray that there are some of you who, as you read this, have an innate desire to taste this freedom. Well I have good news! It’s offered free of charge to anyone who believes in Christ as your Lord and savior. Imagine that! Freedom in love without a cost to us because HE in His great love paid it.

As my Lord I believe that He has absorbed the weight of my worry and sin. He is so much greater than my fear. This whole journey began with one prayer. Reading through Romans 8 one day, I realized that I was still holding on to my sin and judgment as if I was still under the law that leads to death. Of course I would never experience the Freedom in Christ if I was still living as if I was a slave to sin.

“For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus

from the law of sin and death.”

Romans 8:2

I’ve let doubt, lies, and fears take root in my heart choking the freedom that I can feel spiritually as a child of God. Instead of allowing myself to feel treasured and beloved by my heavenly Father, I’ve succumbed to lies that I am not forgiven and so I’ve condemned myself and convinced myself that I have failed him again and again. But my thoughts about myself don’t determine who I am. I am who Jesus is shaping me to become. My identity is found in Him, not my anxiety, my weaknesses, or fears.

I’m excited to finish the summer continuing to conquer my fears, displace lies, and experience Freedom in Christ. Early in July I committed Ephesians 2:4-10 to memory and made it my verse for the summer.

“

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith.

And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, 

which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 2:4-10

Not About Italy

Hello all! Sorry it’s been a while!

….

And every time I start to write this post, that’s as far as I get. And I’ve been home for two weeks today. And I’ve come up with many excuses of why I haven’t posted since the 27

th

.

For example,

1.

My WiFi stopped uploading any photos to the web and my blogs weren’t posting faster than two hours of loading.

2.

I just got busy with classes, lessons, and exploring Urbino.

3.

I definitely hate failing

I have to admit, it probably has more to do with the failing part. After I had made excuse after excuse while in Italy, I came home and just came up with even more excuses. I told myself no one would read a post a week after the fact. It’s just embarrassing, honestly.

There are a lot of things we hide because we are embarrassed. We have all hidden a grade from our parents at least once, maybe your lines on your hand during a rehearsal, or maybe how much you feel your world is falling apart because obviously everyone on Instagram has it perfectly together! Maybe you’ve masked your feelings or pain with a smile? I know I have.

So why am I writing this you ask? I just gave many reasons why I am totally embarrassed that this is so late. Well it started with my own question, “Why do I care so much?” I started this blog not so everyone could see how great I am or all the places I’ve been or what books I’ve read. I started it to encourage others and to tell stories. So today I’m going to tell a story. And while it came from Italy, I’ll save all my Italy sunsets and excursions for a later post.

Once upon a time (as all good stories start) there was a man with a top notch white collar job. He had pretty much everything; he had the position of being most trusted by his boss and loved by many. Everything seemed to be going well on the outside: he worked hard and got good pay (man, this guy probably could’ve had a yacht if he wanted) but one day he received devastating news that his home had been demolished out of hate and that the walls around the city which once were the protection and pride of a great city were now shaken and destroyed. When the news reached him he was heartbroken and filled with an irrepressible calling to rebuild. His boss noticed that something was wrong and asked him what he could do to help? When asked, the man requested that he send a team of rescuers with him to restore his hometown.

We’ve all felt grief; we feel like we’ve failed; or maybe someone has failed us. Looking back, it’s easy to want to hide that scar with tinted concealer and pretend like it was never there. Nehemiah was faced with a similar situation. He saw something truly heartbreaking and had a couple choices just as many of us have when faced with what looks like irreparable failure. One is too hole up inside and just let the grief steal your joy. The second, is to join the adventure the Lord invites us on. One thing I’ve learned this summer? Redemption and restoration is ALWAYS the business of heaven.

This may sound crazy and I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but if you want to read a romantic story then read Nehemiah! Okay, well maybe not. But there is a lot of serious redemption going on there and to quote Maria Goff, “Every act of extravagant grace is a declaration of immense love.” God is always about restoring broken things. Over and over from Genesis to Revelation He is merciful. First He shows His mercy again and again to the Israelites. They keep running from Him and He relentlessly pursues them. He continues to restore and revise what the world saw as worthless. And Nehemiah had the blessing of getting to join Him on the adventure of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. It wasn’t about him…it was about Him.

And they shall be called The Holy People,

The Redeemed of the LORD;

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and you shall be called Sought Out,

A City Not Forsaken.

Isaiah 62:12

I love that. “Sought Out” a city, seen as worthless, not forsaken but redeemed for a worthy purpose. A God-filled purpose.

Remember that next time you feel like a failure. (I did this morning and I’m assuming I wasn’t the only one today) He is always at work redeeming with His love. Ask Him today to do a “new work” in your heart (Isaiah 43:19) to rebuilding your heart to be a dwelling place where love lives. And can then spill out into the lives of those around you. I heard from a wise man once that sometimes are fear of failing can stop us from taking God’s invitation for an adventure. I don’t think I’m going to let that stop me today. What about you?