Hopefully Helpless

Pain has a funny way of making us feel desperately helpless.

Discomfort and pain are a part of the human experience. Most of the time, pain is a protective mechanism. Any part of your body that becomes damaged or is ill sends an immediate signal to your brain, making sense of what is happening and creating a plan of response. This sensation of pain or PPI (Perceived Pain Intensity) is then assessed and connected with other parts of your brain associated with emotions, anxiety, sleep, etc. It’s very personal from there, you’d be surprised how every mind perceives pain. You’ve heard people mention having a “high or low pain tolerance,” but no matter your threshold, all will experience pain, emotional or physical, in their lives. Every pain has its own (painful) story to tell. 

A couple of weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning, I awoke to pain and nausea that was utterly overwhelming. Lying in my bed, I felt helpless and almost outside of my own body. I struggled to make sense of what was going on besides the thought that something was wrong. After 12 hours of nausea and vomiting, I found myself at the urgent care and then the ER waiting for tests and scans. If you know anything about my story, you may know that pain like this is not altogether new for me. I have a reproductive illness called Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disorder in which tissue similar to the tissue lining the inside of the uterus (the endometrium) grows outside of the uterus. 

Sitting there waiting on the doctors, I couldn't help wondering what this meant for the next few weeks and months. Was I back where I started? Was I going back on the Ferris wheel of pain and fatigue that seemed never-ending and way less fun than a real amusement ride?

One of my hardest moments of all was waiting to be escorted by an orderly back to the waiting room. It was 10 pm, I had already been at the hospital for around 5 hours and had just completed 2 hours of painful imaging. I sat in a wheelchair, alone in a sterile hospital hallway. I had no phone or source of connection and no one was nearby. I let the hot tears silently roll down my swollen cheeks and began to pray. I prayed for someone to listen.

I felt in that moment, an overwhelming peace. A prayer that was answered almost 24 hours before on the tile floor of my bathroom. I prayed someone would take notice of my pain. 

Sin has hardwired our DNA for self-reliance. I don’t like feeling helpless. I definitely don’t like being dependent on someone else for even something like being pushed around in a wheelchair. But recognizing my helplessness is the first step to finding hopefulness.

There are two accounts of suffering in the Psalms that I’d like to point out.

 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;

    incline your ear to me; hear my words.

Wondrously show your steadfast love,

    O Savior of those who seek refuge

    from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;

    hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

I adore those two bold words in the passage. First, incline gives me an image of someone leaning toward you. Drawing close to hear an almost inaudible plea. He will hide me in the shadow of His wings. Near to His side, protected, and covered. 

There is a desperation, in another Psalm of David. He says, “I am greatly afflicted,” and “For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.” But if we were to follow the progression of the lament we would see David’s desperate plea for God’s grace! Acknowledgment of a soul utterly dependent and powerless to produce the peace and salvation He longs for. When we praise the Lord, it is an automatic acknowledgment of our own weakness. 

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;

    our God is merciful.

The Lord preserves the simple;

    when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

    for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:6-7

Our own weakness and need makes God’s grace such good news to us at any time. Being weak is our greatest strength as humans. 

My greatest battle in the last few weeks has been not exalting my own worries and fears about my health and my body. But to offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving for His faithfulness to me. His deliverance is my steadfast hope through any trial. He takes notice of my pain.

Cited

https://www.mhanational.org/chronic-pain-and-mental-health

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3141369/

Then Sings My Soul

I want to live a life surrounded by music.

The first time I remember thinking that was my freshman year at OBU. Starting my day with singing in the classrooms of the music building, 6 hours of choir a week, afternoons spent practicing piano, and evenings spent in a five by five foot with my aria on repeat. 6 years later I find myself yet again surrounded by music. It permeates my ears from the moment I turn off my alarm to coming to technique class and dancing to ballet music or rehearsing worship sets. Rather than an isolated practice room I spend my evening in a crowded room of little ballerinas and “It’s a Small World” on repeat!

Music has always been a significant piece of my life. Something that has woven the different interests and efforts together seamlessly. The Lord has been using music the past few months to teach me about worship and Himself. In six months of being in Jackson, Mississippi as a Trainee at Ballet Magnificat! I’ve had opportunities to sing, perform, and teach. Our voice and our bodies are a vehicle. We are always using them to magnify something, either through our words and actions, or through art forms. Are we magnifying the artist or the work? The painter or the painting? 

I believe that true, authentic worship is shaped by scripture, not human feelings. I try to remind myself of this truth no matter if I’m worshiping alone in my car or from a microphone at church. It begins with an authentic picture of the God of the Bible. One of the most repeated commands in scripture is “to praise,” or some versions, “exalt.” When studying the God of the Bible, what can my response be but to praise Him? I love songs that reflect the flow of the Psalms. 

True authentic worship is shaped by scripture, not human feelings.

The pattern of the Psalms of David is a shape akin to the structure of music. An introduction of a theme or motif, then a reiteration of that theme. This is followed by a change that signals either a new idea or further playing on the previous theme. The song concludes with a coda or repeat pointing toward the beginning. “Just As Good” by Chris Renzema is a favorite of mine, that I feel mirrors this shape. 

1. An expression of sorrow or emotion

2. Reminder to myself and my soul of what He’s done and who He is

3. Praying the scripture back to Him

There are also numerous references of Biblical moments or stories of His faithfulness, like raising the Ebenezer, reaching out His hand in the water, or separating the waters. He uses these moments that aren’t beautiful in themselves, but moments of pain or trials. He leads us through fear and pain and reveals His goodness to us in that

I’ve learned through my own experience with pain that sorrow has a way of swelling the waves of our worship. That my whole being would bless the Lord. Over and over in Scripture we also see the command directed at the soul, “My soul, bless the Lord, and all that is within me, bless his holy name,” Psalm 103:1. In Deuteronomy 6:5 and Matthew 22:37 we are commanded to “Love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, with all your mind.” Soul in Greek is the word psyche which means “mind, will, and emotion.” Our whole being is meant to love Him and bless Him. 

Lord, sing through me today.

My prayer today: Lord sing through me today. I make melody to you with all my soul. Tune my heart to sing of your grace. That the dissonance of suffering and doubt would crescendo to a consonant chord of peace. Where notes collide in infinite harmony. May my voice rise to you, the praise of my lips be sweet incense to your ear. And my heart sings the song of your heart as I draw nearer to you. Resonate your love in my life, like an echo of your truth in an empty vessel. It holds the sound but doesn’t create the sound. It amplifies it out into the ears of the hearers.

View From a Scaffold

Twelve feet in the air, I stand bracing myself with my sweaty palms between two steely bars. I am shaking and my toes are gripping the soul of my shoes.

In my life, writing has always been an escape. A way to process and visualize my thoughts on paper. I wrote this narrative essay in my Freshman year in college and it was published by the University the following year. I’m sharing it here now, because I’m seeing the truths talked about in this, written in 2016, still speaking loudly to Bonnie in 2022.

It is an especially warm July evening, but I wear a sweater in the auditorium of the Cleburne Conference Center. Twelve feet in the air, I stand bracing myself with my sweaty palms between two steely bars. I am shaking and my toes are gripping the soul of my shoes. My mouth goes utterly dry as I attempt to call to my companion. Jay scales the platform in a measure of seconds compared to the two minutes it took for me to climb the ladder around the back. He is too scrawny.  He chuckles at me as he swings onto the wooden board we now share. I feel my foundation sway beneath me and my stomach lurches. As I lunge forward he reaches to me and slips his hands to my waist to steady me. I take a deep breath and look at him to see if he is still laughing at my fear. A boyish grin spreads across his face. In the protection of his hands, I feel secure. My heart rate slows and I am able to see clearly. He is amused. I let out a laugh that resonates through the auditorium. Though Jay is not afraid of heights, he and I share the fear. The fear of not having somewhere to stand. The fear of falling.

Jay and I had only met one week earlier. As complete strangers, we sat on a couch in a cramped office off of the main studio. 

“Want to run lines?” I threw out. He grinned. 

“Nah, I’d like to meet you first.” Jay and I auditioned at Plaza Academy for the roles of Maria and Tony in West Side Story only eight days before rehearsals began for the production. On the first day of rehearsals, the other roles were auditioned and we were shooed into another room.

“Favorite color?” I said, sinking low onto the couch. He thought for a second.

“Grey.” He squinted oddly at me.

“Turquoise.” 

“I’m color-blind.” He stated plainly. A few minutes later we were talking about junior high.

“I’m different. But I used to love myself for my differences! I was cocky and crazy.” He then began telling me about an accident he had in high school. A Pitbull attacked him scarring his face, knees, and arm. The gash on his face required reconstructive surgery, and the nerves were irreparably damaged in his left knee.  “I just wasn’t the same. I was so self-conscience about my face and my voice. It took a while, but finally I came to a place where I realized I could be comfortable in my skin and confident in who I am.” At first, I believed him. But more and more I realized that there was still something in him that held him back from feeling truly confident. We talked for the rest of the hour.

As rehearsals progressed, our friendship did too. I felt like I had known him for four years instead of only four days. We made it to the stage the second week into rehearsing. On the first day of tech rehearsals, we began using the scaffolding. Every time I climbed the ladder, I felt my heart pound and my hands tremble. My legs would freeze and struggle to steady beneath me. Singing on the scaffolding was a different story. For five minutes, I had to completely suspend my fear. For five minutes, I had to forget how terrified I was to be so far from the ground. For five minutes, I had to forget who I was. No matter how scared Bonnie was, Maria still had to sing. 

Then it happened. Jay fell. Not off the scaffolding, or the edge of the stage. And not metaphorically either. He fell on me. In the last scene of the second act, Tony was shot by another character right before Maria’s eyes. Every night a shock would fill my heart as I watched Jay slowly fall into my arms. One night his fall was miscalculated, and as his limp body fell into me, a sharp pain coursed through my back. I ignored it for about ten minutes, thinking it was going to go away, but it grew. The pain grew stronger and more intense very gradually, but when it reached its peak, it was surprisingly overwhelming. Like when you notice you have a rash, but you ignore the itchiness and the aggravation, until one morning you wake up and all of your skin is effected, and you can not escape the burn. Not only did I now face two more weeks of shows with an injured back, but I also had a scaffold to climb every day. I have heard it said that pain can distract you from your fear. What if your pain adds to your fear? What if you knew that if your foundation fell beneath you, you would have no way of protecting or bracing your fall? You would be helpless.

Into the second week, Jay began experiencing pain of his own. His kneecaps kept giving way from beneath him. Backstage he would writhe and grimace in pain, but onstage everything seemed to come together, and our pain seemed to disappear. We struggled and pushed through. Somehow we were able to forget everything and just live in the reality of the stage.  It took a lot of perseverance, but an actor must be willing to set aside his pain. To set aside his fear. To perform.

As the show progressed and we fell into a rhythm, my relationship with the other actors and their characters also began to blossom. McKenna played the character of my brother’s girlfriend. We were very different, much like our characters. Though we were near in height, her presence filled a room and her voice was much deeper. She had a maturity I lacked. In rehearsals and early in the production run, I noticed her fear of her own singing voice. With a powerful belt she could fill a room. However, in a moment of doubt, she would lose her nerve, and with it her commanding voice. I recognized her fear. How many times did I doubt myself? One night in the last week, we were singing “A Boy Like That” and as I watched her sing with passion, a lump flew to my throat. I struggled to suppress it as I stepped forward to interrupt her. Exhaling, my voice met hers with equal intensity, and with a plea of affection. She turned from me in frustration, so I calmly soothed her by telling her my love for Tony was all I have and need. As I sang, she turned back to me tenderly, finally listening. Our hands reached to each other, and my lighter skin met her caramel fingers. Her voice raised to mine, and we harmonized the last line.

“When love comes so strong, there is no right or wrong.” Our eyes filled with tears as we took a deep breath and sang, “Your love is your life.” In that moment, I watched the fear slip from her eyes.

I will not ever forget the first time I watched Jay prepare for Act 2. He was back behind the stage crying. I assumed he was getting into his character, so I approached him cautiously. The second act begins after Tony has experienced two powerful and dramatic deaths, and he must now tell Maria. I gradually moved closer to him and placed my hand on his shuddering shoulders. He muttered something, and then placed his hands on my arms and whispered in my ear.

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” I was stunned. He was asking my forgiveness for killing someone. I remember the staggering weight that I felt in that moment. It felt like a hot blanket was smothering me and I couldn’t catch my breath. He grunted softly and asked for my forgiveness again, a bit louder. I swallowed hard. He moved away toward a wall and kicked it so hard I thought he would fall back against me. I began shivering and could not see him. He cried out. Than we entered the stage. I never felt so close to my character than in that moment.

Jay was afraid of not having somewhere to stand. I think he found a piece of himself in the character of Tony. He was searching for answers and kept coming back empty. He needed forgiveness and acceptance. He needed to find a place. His fear prevented him from seeing the good around him, the opportunities and love he had at his fingertips. Tony found what was calling to him. He fought his fears and he fought cultural norms. Tony made the decision that what he loved was more important than his fear.

The scaffold became my friend. I was still terrified of it. However, it no longer was a symbol of my fear, but an illustration of my courage. I had to decide that something was more important than my fear. 

Dress it up: Why I wear a dress everyday in December!

I decided to swear off pants for a whole month.

Photo by Hannah Midkiff Photography

For any other year, this may not seem like a big deal for me, but COVID19 has definitely impacted my fashion choices!! (ie. sweatpants, leggings, pajamas) My reason is more than just choosing to wear a dress every day of December. It’s about choosing to make a statement every day of December.  You don’t realize how little time it takes to choose an outfit in the morning until you realize the choice isn’t as simple. I’m making the choice to make a statement.

What I realized through doing this challenge two years ago, is that many women every day do not get the same choice. Not only on what they wear, but what they do each day, who they see, where they go, etc. Their days are not their own but decisions are made by someone who

owns them. Someone who has violated their personal freedom physically, mentally, emotionally, or maybe a combination of the three. This reality made me even more awake to the injustice of human trafficking and reminded me why I’m wearing a dress for December.

Let me take a minute to explain what the heck “Dressember” is and why I’m doing this! In 2005, the founder and CEO of Dressember began hearing about sex trafficking and was deeply affected by the injustice, but felt helpless to make a difference. She was sexually abused as a young girl and has suffered from the emotional trauma, guilt, and shame since then and was heartbroken for the millions of others in bondage to the same trauma she suffered.

“In 2009, Blythe challenged herself to wear a dress every day of December (hence: Dressember). The next year, a few friends joined in. By the third year, her friends’ friends began to participate, and it occurred to Blythe that there was more to this challenge than she originally thought. By 2013, the movement blossomed into something completely unexpected - an international campaign to aid the fight against sex trafficking.”

— Dressember.org/whyadress

Since then, every year in December, advocates of all ages make a statement with a dress or bow tie every day. What does this do you may ask? Exactly that! Raises questions and promotes global awareness of modern day slavery. It’s a conversation piece that educates our community. The initiative has raised millions of dollars through Dressember advocates and their commitment to fighting injustice with a dress.

Let me start with saying that COVID-19 has tremendously affected the human trafficking trade in the world. With many more doors closed due to lockdowns and social distancing. Many more women and children are forced into violent situations or exploited. Traffickers are taking advantage of the pandemic for financial reasons as well.

As a result of economic shutdowns, many survivors of trafficking are finding themselves in a position of financial instability, leaving them vulnerable to be trafficked again. 

One part of Dressember’s Campaign is Restore NYC. Dressember was able to provide emergency funding with Restore NYC through the COVID-19 campaign. Women like Carmen who was almost forced back into the massage parlour where she “worked” since moving to NYC at 19, was able to receive emergency funding. Because of donations and the work of organizations like Dressember and those in the Dressember Network women are given help and safe employment during such a challenging time.

(For more info read https://www.dressember.org/blog/covid-and-survivors)

Why is this so important to me and countless others? Let me share a few facts and statistics regarding human trafficking in our world today.

1. Globally, the average cost of a slave is $90.

2.  Trafficking primarily involves exploitation which comes in many forms, including: forcing victims into prostitution, subjecting victims to slavery or involuntary servitude and compelling victims to commit sex acts for the purpose of creating pornography.

3. According to some estimates, approximately 80% of trafficking involves sexual exploitation, and 19% involves labor exploitation.

4. There are approximately 20 to 30 million slaves in the world today.

5. According to the U.S. State Department, 600,000 to 800,000 people are trafficked across international borders every year, of which 80% are female and half are children.

6. The average age a teen enters the sex trade in the U.S. is 12 to 14-year-old. Many victims are runaway girls who were sexually abused as children.

7. California harbors 3 of the FBI’s 13 highest child sex trafficking areas on the nation: Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Diego.

8. The National Human Trafficking Hotline receives more calls from Texas than any other state in the US. 15% of those calls are from the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

9. Human trafficking is the third largest international crime industry (behind illegal drugs and arms trafficking). It reportedly generates a profit of $32 billion every year. Of that number, $15.5 billion is made in industrialized countries.

10. The International Labour Organization estimates that women and girls represent the largest share of forced labor victims with 11.4 million trafficked victims (55%) compared to 9.5 million (45%) men.

https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-human-trafficking 

Now you may be asking, “What can I do?” If so, I have a couple suggestions. First of all,

raise awareness. Any time of year can be a time to have a conversation about slavery. Wearing a dress or bowtie in December is a simple way to make it into a conversation topic. But raising awareness is definitely the first step. Join my Team of women who are making a stand to wear a dress every day this December! I would love to have you join me! (Or wear a tie, guys!)

Second, consider taking a minute to give monetarily to the effort of raising global

awareness and eradicating slavery and the sex trafficking trade. I’ll attach my campaign to this post or you can find it on my Linktree from any social media account. Any amount helps. The money raised goes toward the urgent needs of a labor or sex trafficking survivor (therapy, food, medical care, etc.), aftercare would include counseling for a survivor who has undergone years of drama which may take years of mental as well as physical care before they can experience wholeness, or a rescue operation conducted by law enforcement who investigate a case and then go in and rescue victims.

Thirdly, supporting those who have survived and are attempting to make their way.

Many programs are out there that allow women and children to make their way after being rescued. In building their lives again, they often struggle to find work and make a living.

The Starfish Project sells jewelry handcrafted by women who are regaining dignity and self-worth after years in the sex industry. Check out their website and gift shop to buy some beautiful pieces made for a purpose.

https://starfishproject.com/

A 21 is another organization committed to abolishing slavery everywhere. You can commit to giving monthly or make a purchase that benefits the aftercare of a survivor.

https://www.a21.org/content/shop/gnw66w?permcode=gnw66w

For my readers in Arkansas, PATH (Partners Against Trafficking Humans) is a missions based organization that “advocates for those victimized by the sex-industry by providing a safe environment where healing can occur, making success possible and dreams achievable.” They integrate faith, learning, and healing into the aftercare of victims. Go to their website to give or purchase a prayer bracelet made by women and children who have been rescued.

http://pathsaves.org/shop-gifts/

Finally, commit to prayer for those enslaved. What a time to remember those in captivity as we celebrate and remember the sacrifice Christ made in humbling himself and taking on flesh to bring us out of captivity! In his death, He not only defeated death and crushed Satan’s head, he delivered us from the bondage of sin and allowed for all who call upon His name to have eternal life! We no longer walk in darkness though the darkness surrounds us because of His glorious light he sent into the world IN US through His Holy Spirit. In remembering those in bondage we praise Him for the deliverance coming and also pray for their deliverance from the physical bondage of slavery. There is power in our prayers.

I’ll close with a quote I’ve read outside the door of a professor’s office. “You’ll never look into the face of someone God doesn’t unconditionally love.” He deeply loves every man, woman, and child and even their offenders. And He has called His people to be His hands and feet to a world in darkness.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post all the way through. Let’s use our freedom to stand for those who cannot this year. God bless you!

How to: Beautycounter on a Budget

I love clean beauty but how do I make the switch to Beautycounter without cleaning out my wallet too?

Since Joining Beautycounter, I’ve talked to a lot of people who really want to try clean beauty products but are concerned about the price. I love Beautycounter, but I’ll be the first to say it’s not cheap. It’s comparable to department store and Sephora prices, but not Target. It’s a process, and there’s no need to throw everything out right now! So whether you’re like me and just graduated college or you are trying to make healthy choices for a young family, I’m going to tell you my suggestions for making the switch to clean beauty on a budget!

I honestly didn’t pay attention to my skincare until college. I think I honestly used hand soap and body lotion for a bit… cringe-y I know. In college I started trying a couple products from a family member’s MLM she was selling, but the products were way too harsh or didn’t work at all. Around the same time, I was diagnosed and being treated for endometriosis, an illness related to the body’s immune and endocrine system. My body was reacting to everything from laundry detergent to candle fragrances. Not to mention what I was putting directly onto my skin like lotions and soaps. I tried some products that marketed “clean” ingredients or “hypoallergenic” promises. As I started doing research into women’s reproductive illnesses, I realized the link to ingredients with endocrine disruptors in beauty products! I was horrified when I learned about the toxic ingredients in my bathroom from my mascara to my period products!

It wasn’t until my senior year that I got gifted some Beautycounter makeup and miraculously, I didn’t react. So in April they had a 20% off promo for new clients so I took the plunge, but a little bit at a time. Here’s some tips for making the switch without breaking the bank!

Switch out 1 (or 2) products at a time

Start with one of your products you may be running low on, and run it through EWG or compare the ingredients yourself with our Never List. It’s a good rule of thumb to start with a product you can’t live without, like a cleanser or your concealer, or a product you’re running out of. Buy just one or two products at a time over the course of a few months. You’ll build yourself a safer collection without spending a ton of money.

Take advantage of sales and promos

I made my first skincare switch during an offer like our current one-20% off for new clients. Some products can drop almost $10 making it more affordable for a college grad! Keep an eye out for after holiday sale or a Black Friday offer as well, there was also a sale of Holiday sets this summer before the new sets were released where some products were up to 25% off original price. Timing is everything and this week is no exception! Enter your email through this link and get an offer code to your inbox.

Buy collections or regimens

A great way to save money when purchasing at Beautycounter is by buying a collection and saving 10-20%. Check out this skincare quiz that will recommend a regimen for you along with 2 addition products to try for your skincare needs. I used the 20% off code to purchase the Countermatch regimen for myself and never looked back! I love love love the moisturizer and remember when one of my best friends noticed the difference in my skin during a Marco Polo. “Bonnie, your skin is GLOWING!”

Some sets worth taking note of:

1. Flawless in Five-6 makeup products for a beautiful, natural look complete in 5 minutes!

2. A Holiday set (limited time) like the Bright Side Duo or the Good Glow Body Duo

3. Get the Look-4 safer, high performing makeup products including an eye shadow palette with ethically sourced Mica.

 Become a member

Want to get the best bang for your buck? Then the Band of Beauty membership is the way to go! It’s $29 for the year and you get free shipping on orders $100+, 15% product credit for every dollar you spend, and a free gift when you sign up and spend $50 (right now receive the Think Clean Welcome Set with the Overnight Resurfacing Peel and our Charcoal Facial Mask) receive member-only exclusive offers year round without a monthly fee or auto ship.

Become an advocate

The best saving in my mind is to join the mission of Beautycounter and become an advocate (that’s really what consultants are). As a consultant, you save 25% on products and earn 25-35% of what you sell. Plus, you’re helping bring about change in the beauty industry! Right now I’m using my earnings to pay off my college debt so I can keep doing what I love-storytelling! Beautycounter has provided me with the means to do what I love while making an impact in an area I’m passionate about-education and product safety!

If you’re curious about the business opportunity fill out this quick form! I’d love to help you achieve your goals!

If you have any more questions about Beautycounter/or really anything, leave a comment or email me!