Book Review: Strange New World

Strange New World: How Thinkers and Activists Redefined Identity and Sparked the Sexual Revolution

The past few years have been disorienting, to say the least. Not to even mention the past couple of days.  Becoming overwhelmed is understandable, if not expected. This book came into my hands at such a time when I was seeking answers to questions regarding culture and one of our biggest questions, “how should we then live?” 

Carl R. Trueman first wrote a penetrating analysis of the trends in ideas that have coalesced to give us our “current cultural moment.” It is a colossal volume of 432 pages titled, The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self: Cultural Amnesia, Expressive Individualism, and Road to the Sexual Revolution. Historian Trueman shows how influences ranging from traditional institutions to technology and pornography moved modern culture toward an era of “expressive individualism.” Investigating philosophies from the Romantics, Nietzsche, Marx, Wilde, Freud, and the New Left, he outlines the history of Western thought to the distinctly sexual direction of present-day identity politics. He explains the modern implications of these ideas on religion, free speech, and personal identity. 

Seems a bit much right? That’s why I reached instead for a slightly smaller work. In 2021 Trueman published a similar book distilling 492 pages into 197. Strange New World: How Thinkers and Activists Redefined Identity and Sparked the Sexual Revolution. Far from “dumbing down” his greater work, Trueman attempts to make the book more palatable to the popular audience. So that those of us who have not spent hours pouring over Freud and Marx can share a grasp on the nature and culture, Ryan T. Anderson, in his foreword, summarizes the book as a retelling of how the human person became a self, how the self became sexualized, and how sex became politicized.

I would much prefer a story to most nonfiction books. Trueman follows the thread of philosophy like the plot of a book leading to a climax.  It reminds me somewhat of C.S. Lewis's The Abolition of Man, but written with an iPhone in hand and typing on a laptop! Many are unaware of how the thoughts of thinkers like Nietzche and Freud (who are practically laughable in 2020) have shaped our most indisputable claims even in the Supreme Court today. 

We cannot argue that the politizing of sex today is a “symptom of the deeper revolution in selfhood that the rise and triumph of expressive individualism represents.” The truth of my existence is defined by how I feel about it, not by an external standard. If I am going to be authentic, then I must act outwardly following my inward feelings. Centuries of assumptions about the authenticity of the inner self, the centrality of sex, and the political nature of identity, mixed with a double portion of scientific hubris, have produced a civilization of people who see themselves as “pieces of living playdough attached to a will” (53). Millions of our neighbors now believe that human beings can sculpt themselves into whatever they desire, if necessary through hormones, surgery, and legislation.

A comprehensive review of this book would not be complete without acknowledging the critics of Truemans work. He is accused of woefully misinterpreting what the older thinkers are reacting to. He focuses too much on defending Christians that they are still the “good guys.” He doesn’t use the 197 pages to criticize the “Christian” patriarchy, the hate of gays from the church, or the racism heralded as “God’s perspective.” Instead, he attempts to reinforce the “status quo.” Many critics accuse the readers of this book as “close-minded” or “misogynists.”

I took the time to read MANY of the 1-2 star reviews of this book and its larger counterpart and have come to this conclusion. Read the book, or don’t. I think this text is valuable to our church in the current age and I believe Trueman has excellently distilled the analysis of the first book to reach a broader audience of thinking Christians. Rise and Triumph extensively addresses many of the above criticisms. If you are looking for a book half the length that convincingly outlines the intellectual roots of expressive individualism, then this is a beneficial read. 

So who should read this book? I think any member of the church would find value in this book regardless of denomination or philosophy degree. What I learned reading this book was that Expressive individualism is correct in affirming the importance of psychology for who we are and in stressing the universal dignity of all human beings. (170) Where it diverges from sound teaching and rational thinking, is when we hold our personal opinions over the truth of conviction and doctrine. This book places the I of the story in its rightful place. We are not bystanders of history, watching it unfold and anxiously waiting for stupid people to come to their senses. Our calling is then, to spend less time behind a phone telling others they are wrong, and instead to faithfully love our neighbors and teach the truth about God’s world. We can only truly do that by understanding who we are as humans with intrinsic value and in light of truth. Carl Trueman paints a bleak picture, without an attempt to soften the edges. But the last chapter is what offers the brightest glimpse of hope. We are strangers in this strange world. We are called to point to the truth and faithfully serve Him who called us to sojourners here. 

What is being pushed in the court of opinion and our culture is a world that is “free of criticism.” Self should be exalted above all other institutions. Even biology and logic. “Now we are free to choose the narrative to which we wish to belong, the imagined community that will provide us with our identity and purpose. We can focus on those narratives that make us feel good and that confirm our CHOSEN view of the world and ignore those that present challenges to this.” This imagined community is how we see ourselves belonging to a culture. We’ve all been guilty of this in our lives. It begins younger and younger. My students will try to exaggerate claims and tout their Lululemon tops and Kendra Scott earrings to present a reality that sounds attractive to their peers. What they want their lives to be, becomes who they are. 

Today, the self is entirely “plastic.” Liquid. Play-dough. Utterly moldable to build an identity. We are, in a sense, restating Neitzche to say “God is dead,” and speaking our truth into “existence” as omnipotent Creators. But constant inward reflection and speaking our own “truth,” always leads to imploding in on ourselves and eventually reaches its limit. We live in a time of depression, anxiety, suicide, racism, and elementary school shootings. What does the self have the ability to express once it has exhausted her resources? St. Augustine, in his autobiography, Confessions, inwardly reflects but yet doesn’t end there. He always ends up moving outward toward God. Our feelings, though real, should always be set in the context of the larger truth of God’s Word. Feelings should be tethered to Truth. 

So how should we then live: asks the student in a college class, the 26-year-old pastor just beginning his ministry, the therapist sitting with a teen contemplating suicide, the at-home mom with her three little ones in tow, the businessman merging his “church-life” with the status quo at the office. As a college grad, dance instructor, and dancer, I’ve awoken a few mornings this year overwhelmed by the weight of the national and global scale crisis we’ve experienced. I look into the faces of my children coming from school and wonder if their days are numbered. I’m tempted to take for granted my job and apartment and can’t imagine someone forcing me out of my home and everything I know. Some days I have felt lethargic and unable to contemplate how it could ever get better than this. These emotions you may also be feeling, are why I would recommend this book to you. As Christians, we cannot become crippled by despair. We cannot be blindly optimistic about the state of things or just wish our way back to an imaginary status quo. We cannot succumb to the temptation to follow the culture and ignore the truth of scripture and the power of our God. 

This is not a “feel-good,” therapeutic book and obviously won’t answer all your questions about how we got to this moment in history. But it is an excellent beginning to understanding more about the days we are living in and how to live as believers in a strange world. 

To close I would just like to share a prayer I came across recently related to national tragedies. It’s from Every Moment Holy. 

“Even in the shadow of tragedy, let us not lose hope. Give us eyes to see the rapid movement of mercy rushing in to fill these newly wounded spaces.”

— Every Moment Holy

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Hopefully Helpless

Pain has a funny way of making us feel desperately helpless.

Discomfort and pain are a part of the human experience. Most of the time, pain is a protective mechanism. Any part of your body that becomes damaged or is ill sends an immediate signal to your brain, making sense of what is happening and creating a plan of response. This sensation of pain or PPI (Perceived Pain Intensity) is then assessed and connected with other parts of your brain associated with emotions, anxiety, sleep, etc. It’s very personal from there, you’d be surprised how every mind perceives pain. You’ve heard people mention having a “high or low pain tolerance,” but no matter your threshold, all will experience pain, emotional or physical, in their lives. Every pain has its own (painful) story to tell. 

A couple of weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning, I awoke to pain and nausea that was utterly overwhelming. Lying in my bed, I felt helpless and almost outside of my own body. I struggled to make sense of what was going on besides the thought that something was wrong. After 12 hours of nausea and vomiting, I found myself at the urgent care and then the ER waiting for tests and scans. If you know anything about my story, you may know that pain like this is not altogether new for me. I have a reproductive illness called Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disorder in which tissue similar to the tissue lining the inside of the uterus (the endometrium) grows outside of the uterus. 

Sitting there waiting on the doctors, I couldn't help wondering what this meant for the next few weeks and months. Was I back where I started? Was I going back on the Ferris wheel of pain and fatigue that seemed never-ending and way less fun than a real amusement ride?

One of my hardest moments of all was waiting to be escorted by an orderly back to the waiting room. It was 10 pm, I had already been at the hospital for around 5 hours and had just completed 2 hours of painful imaging. I sat in a wheelchair, alone in a sterile hospital hallway. I had no phone or source of connection and no one was nearby. I let the hot tears silently roll down my swollen cheeks and began to pray. I prayed for someone to listen.

I felt in that moment, an overwhelming peace. A prayer that was answered almost 24 hours before on the tile floor of my bathroom. I prayed someone would take notice of my pain. 

Sin has hardwired our DNA for self-reliance. I don’t like feeling helpless. I definitely don’t like being dependent on someone else for even something like being pushed around in a wheelchair. But recognizing my helplessness is the first step to finding hopefulness.

There are two accounts of suffering in the Psalms that I’d like to point out.

 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;

    incline your ear to me; hear my words.

Wondrously show your steadfast love,

    O Savior of those who seek refuge

    from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;

    hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

I adore those two bold words in the passage. First, incline gives me an image of someone leaning toward you. Drawing close to hear an almost inaudible plea. He will hide me in the shadow of His wings. Near to His side, protected, and covered. 

There is a desperation, in another Psalm of David. He says, “I am greatly afflicted,” and “For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.” But if we were to follow the progression of the lament we would see David’s desperate plea for God’s grace! Acknowledgment of a soul utterly dependent and powerless to produce the peace and salvation He longs for. When we praise the Lord, it is an automatic acknowledgment of our own weakness. 

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;

    our God is merciful.

The Lord preserves the simple;

    when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

    for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:6-7

Our own weakness and need makes God’s grace such good news to us at any time. Being weak is our greatest strength as humans. 

My greatest battle in the last few weeks has been not exalting my own worries and fears about my health and my body. But to offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving for His faithfulness to me. His deliverance is my steadfast hope through any trial. He takes notice of my pain.

Cited

https://www.mhanational.org/chronic-pain-and-mental-health

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3141369/

Then Sings My Soul

I want to live a life surrounded by music.

The first time I remember thinking that was my freshman year at OBU. Starting my day with singing in the classrooms of the music building, 6 hours of choir a week, afternoons spent practicing piano, and evenings spent in a five by five foot with my aria on repeat. 6 years later I find myself yet again surrounded by music. It permeates my ears from the moment I turn off my alarm to coming to technique class and dancing to ballet music or rehearsing worship sets. Rather than an isolated practice room I spend my evening in a crowded room of little ballerinas and “It’s a Small World” on repeat!

Music has always been a significant piece of my life. Something that has woven the different interests and efforts together seamlessly. The Lord has been using music the past few months to teach me about worship and Himself. In six months of being in Jackson, Mississippi as a Trainee at Ballet Magnificat! I’ve had opportunities to sing, perform, and teach. Our voice and our bodies are a vehicle. We are always using them to magnify something, either through our words and actions, or through art forms. Are we magnifying the artist or the work? The painter or the painting? 

I believe that true, authentic worship is shaped by scripture, not human feelings. I try to remind myself of this truth no matter if I’m worshiping alone in my car or from a microphone at church. It begins with an authentic picture of the God of the Bible. One of the most repeated commands in scripture is “to praise,” or some versions, “exalt.” When studying the God of the Bible, what can my response be but to praise Him? I love songs that reflect the flow of the Psalms. 

True authentic worship is shaped by scripture, not human feelings.

The pattern of the Psalms of David is a shape akin to the structure of music. An introduction of a theme or motif, then a reiteration of that theme. This is followed by a change that signals either a new idea or further playing on the previous theme. The song concludes with a coda or repeat pointing toward the beginning. “Just As Good” by Chris Renzema is a favorite of mine, that I feel mirrors this shape. 

1. An expression of sorrow or emotion

2. Reminder to myself and my soul of what He’s done and who He is

3. Praying the scripture back to Him

There are also numerous references of Biblical moments or stories of His faithfulness, like raising the Ebenezer, reaching out His hand in the water, or separating the waters. He uses these moments that aren’t beautiful in themselves, but moments of pain or trials. He leads us through fear and pain and reveals His goodness to us in that

I’ve learned through my own experience with pain that sorrow has a way of swelling the waves of our worship. That my whole being would bless the Lord. Over and over in Scripture we also see the command directed at the soul, “My soul, bless the Lord, and all that is within me, bless his holy name,” Psalm 103:1. In Deuteronomy 6:5 and Matthew 22:37 we are commanded to “Love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, with all your mind.” Soul in Greek is the word psyche which means “mind, will, and emotion.” Our whole being is meant to love Him and bless Him. 

Lord, sing through me today.

My prayer today: Lord sing through me today. I make melody to you with all my soul. Tune my heart to sing of your grace. That the dissonance of suffering and doubt would crescendo to a consonant chord of peace. Where notes collide in infinite harmony. May my voice rise to you, the praise of my lips be sweet incense to your ear. And my heart sings the song of your heart as I draw nearer to you. Resonate your love in my life, like an echo of your truth in an empty vessel. It holds the sound but doesn’t create the sound. It amplifies it out into the ears of the hearers.

A Little Less Conversation: Music and Empathy

I’ve been working with children, specifically in the arts for several years now, and have been particularly interested in how they respond to music. Music has a special way of sparking our interest and grasping out attention when other stimuli can’t. I’m always interested in seeing, what songs my kids like or dislike, and what makes them want to dance or sing along. This has led to a deep dive I did into the psychology of music over the past 4-5 years. I plan to write a few posts on this subject this year, maybe spread out. Please enjoy this first post where I define empathy and its perceived link to music.

Prince Eric sweeps Ariel off her feet in the musical The Little Mermaid, with this line, “Dancing is a language that is felt instead of heard.” I would like to add he is singing this to a nonverbal young woman he just met, but it does make me wonder: can music be heard and felt? How does music affect our emotional sensibilities and help us tap into a deeper communication than only words or nonverbal social ques? Music as a whole is an expression through the medium of sound, but what moves us about music? Do we cry or laugh because a song reaches a part of us that is familiar or because we empathize with the artist? Music is about communication and understanding emotions that are being conveyed through music. I’ve been gathering information and my personal observations and I’d like to share with you some of what I’ve learned on the link between music and empathy.

I watched the TV show Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist on NBC during quarantine. It is the story of an introverted coder who finds herself transformed during an MRI in an earthquake. The impact of the earthquake results in songs from all the playlists on the technician’s computer entering her subconscious, as a result she hears people’s thoughts through song. The “superpower” allows her to hear coworkers, family members, and stranger’s deepest desires or concerns as ballads or elaborate dance numbers! She is able to communicate with her father who was diagnosed with a rare neurological disease, supranuclear palsy (PSP), less than a year before. Though he doesn’t speak, he can sing to her and she sees how he still feels about his family. Her friend and music enthusiast Moe, tells Zoey, “songs are all just an expression of our deepest wants and desires... Joy, pain, heartbreak, yearning, forgiveness, revenge. Good music can make you feel things you can’t express in words.” Music has this “superpower,” but how do we harness it without magical MRI’s?

Empathy on its own can be difficult to define. It is often mistaken for sympathy, which is the understanding or expressed sorrow for another person’s feelings. Empathy is to take on the feelings of another from their perspective, not just your own. Marieke C. Sittler, in his journal article, “Is Empathy Involved in our Emotional Response to Music?” describes two forms of empathy. There’s affective empathy, the ability to experience the emotional state of others and cognitive empathy, the ability to put yourself in one’s shoes. Stittler’s study explores how music evokes emotions and human empathy. What interested me about this study was a distinct assessment of genetic trait empathy in the individuals. The study took a total of 160 participants swabbed for genetic analysis and listened to 10 happy and sad musical excerpts. They assessed their empathy through an IRI questionnaire which assessed the affective and cognitive facets of empathy with 4 subscales, each rated between 1-5.

The result of this study showed that those with higher scores on the subscales, meaning higher empathy evaluated sad songs and their emotions better than those with lower scores (Sittler). Affective empathy or felt emotions were helpful in observing personal distress (PD) and empathetic concern (EC). Those with higher PD scores revealed a correlation between their empathetic reaction to distress of others, and so they in a way, suffer with those who are suffering. People with lower PD have more boundaries between the distress of others personally affecting them. EC is the reaction correlated to trying to fulfill other’s needs or to help them in their distress. Those with high scores in EC and FS (ability to empathize with fictional characters) were more accurate in evaluation of sad and happy songs (Sittler). This explains the cognitive processing of music evoking sadness using perceived emotions. Other than the correlation of PD in evoking distress in higher empathetic individuals, music may not be as relevant to affective processing. I think this may be because some enjoy listening to “sad” music. It sometimes calms instead of distressing them emotionally, and so confirming empathy is involved in the process of perceiving emotions from music.

A study showed that individuals with higher empathy were found to be more aware of, and affected by the emotions induced via music. Intense sadness, for example, was identified and felt more keenly, compared to less empathetic people. There was shown to be increased activity in individuals with higher empathy when listening to familiar music, whether they liked the music or not. This related to how the students discussed music as well. Individuals with higher empathy were generally more passionate about their music of interest. This makes sense, because artists are generally people who feel strongly about their passions and are enthusiastic talking about them. For example, my papa gets excited when talking about his days as the lead singer in a cover band in the 60’s!

Another thing I found interesting, was the results of the FMRI showed that musical perception uses the same areas of the brain that help us process or make sense of our social world. “The temporoparietal junction, which is critical to analyzing and understanding others’ behaviors and intentions,” according to the study is activated when listening to music (SMU). This area is activated when processing or thinking about other people or having social interaction. So music helps us make sense of our social world, and is related to how we communicate like reading nonverbal or social ques. This was found regardless of a participants EQ (emotional intelligence or empathy) score (SMU).

As I said previously, music is expression through organized sound, but we are sensitive to that expression when it expresses some part of the human condition like deep pain or intense sadness (Goleman). Even people without a high EQ can easily identify intense joy or feelings of infatuation from listening to music. There is also notable involvement of the reward system area of the brain indicating pleasure felt when listening to music, especially those with a higher EQ (SMU).

One more study to mention tested whether musical group interaction has a positive influence on children’s empathy. Their hypothesis was that long term music group interaction (MGI) would increase empathy in children even outside of the musical context. The study tested primary school aged children with musical games implementing empathy-promoting musical components (EMPC’s) for an entire school year (Rabinowitch). The games included different aspects of play like imitation, synchronization, and musical communication between the children. The studies showed that over time began to “pick up” on the intention of other subjects through cognitive dynamics, a process similar to empathy. The study focused on 8-11 year-old children because they have already developed what’s called theory of mind or the ability to perceive other people’s thoughts and feelings.

The concept of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, while fascinating, is obviously not how humans communicate emotionally. Having a sense of empathy is important to develop because it motivates our concern for the emotional and physical state of others. The emotional process involved in simply listening to music is related to how humans process social interactions. I believe that the more we, in a way, “tap in” to these emotional processing through empathy we can become more empathy-guided beings. This can be accomplished either with our own emotions and music, or even by cognitively processing the emotions of other artists as we perform or watch them perform.

My favorite moment of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, is when she is able to communicate with her ill father by hearing him express his heart by singing “True Colors.” The emotion she processes from hearing his song helps put herself in his shoes and help him. The emotional properties involved in musical interaction or listening to music can increase our empathy. Returning to my quote from the TV show, music is a way humans express or communicate our emotions or thoughts. Often the thoughts we express in music are beyond surface level emotions and open a window to the soul. When I hear an artist sing a song that has a personal resonance for them, it touches me more than if they just casually were familiar with the piece. We can use music as a catalyst to share and understand each other’s emotions and put ourselves in their shoes.

Works Cited

Miu, A. C., & Vuoskoski, J. K. (2017). The social side of music listening: Empathy and contagion in music-induced emotions. In E. King & C. Waddington (Eds.), Music and empathy. (pp. 124–138). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Southern Methodist University (2018, June 12). Higher Empathy People Process Music Differently in the Brain. NeuroscienceNews. Retrieved June 12, 2018 from http://neurosciencenews.com/empathy-music-processing-9313/

Rabinowitch, Tal-Chen & Cross, Ian & Burnard, Pamela. (2012). Long-term musical group interaction has a positive influence on empathy in children. Psychology of Music. 41. 484-498. 10.1177/0305735612440609.

Balteș, F. R., & Miu, A. C. (2014). Emotions during live music performance: Links with individual differences in empathy, visual imagery, and mood. Psychomusicology: Music, Mind, and Brain, 24(1), 58–65. https://doi-org.ezproxy.obu.edu:2443/10.1037/pmu0000030

Goleman D (1998). Emotional Intelligence. Why "EQ" is more important than "IQ". Hellinika Grammata, Athens (In Modern Greek)

Sittler, M. C., Cooper, A. J., & Montag, C. (2019). Is empathy involved in our emotional response to music? The role of the PRL gene, empathy, and arousal in response to happy and sad music. Psychomusicology: Music, Mind, and Brain, 29(1), 10–21. https://doi- org.ezproxy.obu.edu:2443/10.1037/pmu0000230.supp 

View From a Scaffold

Twelve feet in the air, I stand bracing myself with my sweaty palms between two steely bars. I am shaking and my toes are gripping the soul of my shoes.

In my life, writing has always been an escape. A way to process and visualize my thoughts on paper. I wrote this narrative essay in my Freshman year in college and it was published by the University the following year. I’m sharing it here now, because I’m seeing the truths talked about in this, written in 2016, still speaking loudly to Bonnie in 2022.

It is an especially warm July evening, but I wear a sweater in the auditorium of the Cleburne Conference Center. Twelve feet in the air, I stand bracing myself with my sweaty palms between two steely bars. I am shaking and my toes are gripping the soul of my shoes. My mouth goes utterly dry as I attempt to call to my companion. Jay scales the platform in a measure of seconds compared to the two minutes it took for me to climb the ladder around the back. He is too scrawny.  He chuckles at me as he swings onto the wooden board we now share. I feel my foundation sway beneath me and my stomach lurches. As I lunge forward he reaches to me and slips his hands to my waist to steady me. I take a deep breath and look at him to see if he is still laughing at my fear. A boyish grin spreads across his face. In the protection of his hands, I feel secure. My heart rate slows and I am able to see clearly. He is amused. I let out a laugh that resonates through the auditorium. Though Jay is not afraid of heights, he and I share the fear. The fear of not having somewhere to stand. The fear of falling.

Jay and I had only met one week earlier. As complete strangers, we sat on a couch in a cramped office off of the main studio. 

“Want to run lines?” I threw out. He grinned. 

“Nah, I’d like to meet you first.” Jay and I auditioned at Plaza Academy for the roles of Maria and Tony in West Side Story only eight days before rehearsals began for the production. On the first day of rehearsals, the other roles were auditioned and we were shooed into another room.

“Favorite color?” I said, sinking low onto the couch. He thought for a second.

“Grey.” He squinted oddly at me.

“Turquoise.” 

“I’m color-blind.” He stated plainly. A few minutes later we were talking about junior high.

“I’m different. But I used to love myself for my differences! I was cocky and crazy.” He then began telling me about an accident he had in high school. A Pitbull attacked him scarring his face, knees, and arm. The gash on his face required reconstructive surgery, and the nerves were irreparably damaged in his left knee.  “I just wasn’t the same. I was so self-conscience about my face and my voice. It took a while, but finally I came to a place where I realized I could be comfortable in my skin and confident in who I am.” At first, I believed him. But more and more I realized that there was still something in him that held him back from feeling truly confident. We talked for the rest of the hour.

As rehearsals progressed, our friendship did too. I felt like I had known him for four years instead of only four days. We made it to the stage the second week into rehearsing. On the first day of tech rehearsals, we began using the scaffolding. Every time I climbed the ladder, I felt my heart pound and my hands tremble. My legs would freeze and struggle to steady beneath me. Singing on the scaffolding was a different story. For five minutes, I had to completely suspend my fear. For five minutes, I had to forget how terrified I was to be so far from the ground. For five minutes, I had to forget who I was. No matter how scared Bonnie was, Maria still had to sing. 

Then it happened. Jay fell. Not off the scaffolding, or the edge of the stage. And not metaphorically either. He fell on me. In the last scene of the second act, Tony was shot by another character right before Maria’s eyes. Every night a shock would fill my heart as I watched Jay slowly fall into my arms. One night his fall was miscalculated, and as his limp body fell into me, a sharp pain coursed through my back. I ignored it for about ten minutes, thinking it was going to go away, but it grew. The pain grew stronger and more intense very gradually, but when it reached its peak, it was surprisingly overwhelming. Like when you notice you have a rash, but you ignore the itchiness and the aggravation, until one morning you wake up and all of your skin is effected, and you can not escape the burn. Not only did I now face two more weeks of shows with an injured back, but I also had a scaffold to climb every day. I have heard it said that pain can distract you from your fear. What if your pain adds to your fear? What if you knew that if your foundation fell beneath you, you would have no way of protecting or bracing your fall? You would be helpless.

Into the second week, Jay began experiencing pain of his own. His kneecaps kept giving way from beneath him. Backstage he would writhe and grimace in pain, but onstage everything seemed to come together, and our pain seemed to disappear. We struggled and pushed through. Somehow we were able to forget everything and just live in the reality of the stage.  It took a lot of perseverance, but an actor must be willing to set aside his pain. To set aside his fear. To perform.

As the show progressed and we fell into a rhythm, my relationship with the other actors and their characters also began to blossom. McKenna played the character of my brother’s girlfriend. We were very different, much like our characters. Though we were near in height, her presence filled a room and her voice was much deeper. She had a maturity I lacked. In rehearsals and early in the production run, I noticed her fear of her own singing voice. With a powerful belt she could fill a room. However, in a moment of doubt, she would lose her nerve, and with it her commanding voice. I recognized her fear. How many times did I doubt myself? One night in the last week, we were singing “A Boy Like That” and as I watched her sing with passion, a lump flew to my throat. I struggled to suppress it as I stepped forward to interrupt her. Exhaling, my voice met hers with equal intensity, and with a plea of affection. She turned from me in frustration, so I calmly soothed her by telling her my love for Tony was all I have and need. As I sang, she turned back to me tenderly, finally listening. Our hands reached to each other, and my lighter skin met her caramel fingers. Her voice raised to mine, and we harmonized the last line.

“When love comes so strong, there is no right or wrong.” Our eyes filled with tears as we took a deep breath and sang, “Your love is your life.” In that moment, I watched the fear slip from her eyes.

I will not ever forget the first time I watched Jay prepare for Act 2. He was back behind the stage crying. I assumed he was getting into his character, so I approached him cautiously. The second act begins after Tony has experienced two powerful and dramatic deaths, and he must now tell Maria. I gradually moved closer to him and placed my hand on his shuddering shoulders. He muttered something, and then placed his hands on my arms and whispered in my ear.

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” I was stunned. He was asking my forgiveness for killing someone. I remember the staggering weight that I felt in that moment. It felt like a hot blanket was smothering me and I couldn’t catch my breath. He grunted softly and asked for my forgiveness again, a bit louder. I swallowed hard. He moved away toward a wall and kicked it so hard I thought he would fall back against me. I began shivering and could not see him. He cried out. Than we entered the stage. I never felt so close to my character than in that moment.

Jay was afraid of not having somewhere to stand. I think he found a piece of himself in the character of Tony. He was searching for answers and kept coming back empty. He needed forgiveness and acceptance. He needed to find a place. His fear prevented him from seeing the good around him, the opportunities and love he had at his fingertips. Tony found what was calling to him. He fought his fears and he fought cultural norms. Tony made the decision that what he loved was more important than his fear.

The scaffold became my friend. I was still terrified of it. However, it no longer was a symbol of my fear, but an illustration of my courage. I had to decide that something was more important than my fear. 

A Year in (Book) Review

“Emma has been meaning to read more ever since she was twelve years old. But I have done with expecting any course of steady reading from Emma...She will never submit to anything requiring industry and patience, and a subjection of the fancy to the understanding.”

— Mr. Knightley, "Emma" by Jane Austen

I remember watching Emma, the 2009 BBC series, for the first time on the carpet of my Grandma’s living room. I distinctly remember feeling a kindred spirit with the snarky, confident, and clever heiress with a habit of matchmaking. She was everything I wanted to be, she spoke her mind liberally and was strong willed to a fault. It all began (in the movie) below the white lace of a side table. Where Emma found comfort in drawing up stories for her little dolls. There were two things that made Emma and I the same. Our love for lists and dolls! This quote by Mr. Knightley always made me agitated when I read the book, and reread it a few times after that! Like Emma, I’ve always been meaning to read more, and can draw up a nice list! 

Since I no longer play with dolls under the grand piano in my Grandma’s front room, I must “endeavor to read more.” While I differ from Austen’s endearing Emma on other points of character and witt, I do share a willful spirit that when I set my mind to something, I will see it through!

Last January I set myself a challenge on Goodreads to read 21 books in 2021. I’ve finished the year reading 26 titles. (That’s 10,329 pages by the way) Between hardback, paperbacks, and audiobooks, I’ve managed to accomplish this task thoroughly and enjoyed the process as well! Of 26, 24 of them were fiction, and 6 of them are mysteries so I am branching out some! I reread 5 books and revisited 4 authors that are old friends of mine! 7 were historical fiction and 5 were audiobooks of the more children’s fantasy genre. I read 6 that are considered “classics,” and 3 of those belong to my beloved Jane Austen, of course!

I’ll start with one of my first books of the year that also happened to be one of the most influential reads. Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly was a historical fiction inspired by the life of a real heroin of World War II, Caroline Ferriday. The lives of three women are set on a collision course from New York City, Holland, to Nazi Germany. Here’s my five star review from February. 

It’s been over a month and I’m still thinking about this book. The Rabbits. The evil I didn’t know mankind could be capable of, the brainwashing that happened in all levels of the Third Reich. I loved this book. Between Lilac Girls and a few other books I’ve read recently [That skip around narrators and viewpoints] I was a little thrown off at first by the storyline jumping but to be honest I think it was the best way to tell these three women’s stories. The speed in which I completed this book is due in part by quarantine and partly because I couldn’t understand how these three distinctly different women from different backgrounds and nationalities could come together. Nothing short of heart wrenching and stunning. 

Another of my favorite authors, Katherine Reay, was represented by three titles this year. My favorite of which was the Printed Letter Bookshop. It was what got me on my kick of reading this year. I was lost in several of the titles quoted throughout the novel and once you read this book, turn to the end for a comprehensive book list that rivals Emma Woodhouse! Reay never ceases to whisk me into her stories with messy and relatable characters who navigate friendships and family relationships through the lens of some of your favorite authors. Printed Letter Bookshop and its sequel Of Literature and Lattes are two of her only novels not based on any particular book or characters. The whole of the story is based in a surviving small book shop so the wisdom of some of my most nostalgic titles are on every page. Her book Austen Escape is what got me listening to Jane’s finest works while waiting in the carpool line. Definitely add it to your TBR if you want a good escape into the world of Jane Austen, horse drawn carriages, balls, and a cynical engineer. 

The book that took me the longest to finish was one of my only nonfiction books, Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund. It was one of those slow burn books with lingering questions and lots of reflection involved. Not really what I would consider to be a quick read! Words can’t describe how much this book has truly changed the way I look at the heart of Christ for me and the world we live in. 

In the one place in the Bible (Matthew 11:28-30) where the Son of God pulls back the veil and lets us peer way down into the core of who he is, we are not told that he is “austere and demanding in heart.” We are not told that he is “exalted and dignified in heart.” We are not even told that he is “joyful and generous in heart.” Letting Jesus set the terms, his surprising claim is that he is “gentle and lowly in heart.”

-Dane Ortlund

Our heart is what defines and directs us, so spending some time attempting to uncover the heart of our savior is well spent. I can’t give a better review than the one a close friend and mentor of mine told me when recommending it, “This book changed how I view Christ.” That was it, went straight to Barnes and Noble that same day and I hope you will too!

Neither of us have the time for me to review every book individually here, so check out my Goodreads for more details and to see my book list for this year! If you have questions about any of the books I read, or want to make suggestions I’d love to hear them! You can email me from my About page or reach out to me on social!

Here are my final suggestions. 

Most thought provoking: Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

Best vacation/airplane read: Maisie Dobbs by Jaqueline Winspear

Fantasy: Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo (Look up trigger warnings)

Historical Fiction (Educating and tear jerker): Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly

Historical Fiction (Mystery and romance): A Hundred Suns by Karin Tanabe

Coffee shop read: The Printed Letter Bookshop by Katherine Reay

Audiobook: Hercule Poirot, Richard Armitage narrates these Agatha Christie novels on Audible!

Mystery/Thriller: The Rook by Daniel O’Malley (Look up trigger warnings)

Would read again: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (This was a reread!)

P.S. Just as a note I recommend everyone look up book trigger warnings before reading a suggestion! Everyone has different sensitivities and I always find it better to know before you begin reading so you’re not caught off guard. 

Bonnie Has a Bunny Named Bentley

(Not to be confused with Bonnie has a Bentley named Bunny) 

What a cutie!

I made a note on my phone to write a post about my bunny a couple weeks ago, and I finally sat down to write it on Thursday last week. My sweet, precious bunny... chose that afternoon to bite clean through my ring light cord.

I was furious. (But I’ll prob forgive him anyways)
In April of 2020 amid lockdown protocols, finishing up my final semester of college, and teaching on zoom, I decided I really wanted a bunny. But I wasn’t sure where to begin or whether I could even get one during a global pandemic! I started doing a lot of research and asking questions. Learned that thousands of bunnies every year get discarded by their owners. Many of these are bought from breeders or unhealthy chain stores where the bunnies aren’t cared for. Then the families bring these bunnies home unprepared for the responsibility so they give up.

Flash forward to August I found a trusted rescue organization and went to meet my little bun for the first time! His name was Chipmunk when I rescued him. He was not owner surrendered like many others at the rescue, but instead was found with his brothers and sisters, in a cardboard box on the side of the road. They were infected with fleas and ticks and definitely love starved. It’s certainly been an adjustment, but despite the chewing of almost all the cords in my bedroom, I’m pretty obsessed with him. 

I’m going to introduce you to Bentley with a few stories. First of all you should know that my sweet boy has a little bit of what’s called “cage aggression.” When I first brought him home he lived 24/7 in a pen on the side of my bed, I didn’t give him any roam time at first but thought it might be fun to crawl in with him to get snuggles. But all I got instead was nibbles and growls. And of course Bentley’s barks (yes, bunny’s bark…or at least mine does!) He’s gotten a lot better, especially now that he free roams my bedroom during the day. There was one day only a month after he came that I walked in after work one night to him not running to my feet. That’s strange. I thought, then I see two little ears stretch out from the side of a few pillows on my bed! He was hiding between a pillow and a stuffed animal hoping I wouldn’t see him there. I still smile when I remember seeing those over sized “helicopter” ears peeking out!

What does Bentley love? Well eating pellets of course, he prefers full treat not the skimpy 1/2 ones mom gives him, #gimmemoveggies, he loves pushing his puzzle ball around, waking mom up at 6 am but jumping around his XL dog kennel, running between mom’s feet in the morning and nudging her to give me more pets instead of getting ready. As my little emotional support animal, I love putting my phone away and lying down on the floor with him for long stretches of time just spending time with him. He’s snuggly until you try to pick him up. Never a good idea if you can help it!! He loves to explore every inch of my (really HIS) bedroom almost to his endangerment. The funniest moments for me is when he scampers behind his kennel or dresser but then can’t get back out of the narrow space. So he “booty bumps” back out by shaking his butt...It’s quite hilarious! Link to reel here!

Not to get too sappy, but I’ve also learned some things I didn’t expect to on this journey. I’ve thought a little about what it takes to protect the little guy. Like how there are a lot of times I have to pull him away or blockade him from getting to something that may be harmful. He gets mad at me and usually thumps-you know like “They call me Thumper” from Bambi. It can be pretty cute but also aggravating when you know he would be safer if he stopped fighting me. Sometimes i wonder if that’s how God is with us.

He constantly is redirecting us and leading us toward him and way from what may hurt us. Instead of responding in gratitude, how many times do I respond in frustration that he didn’t give me what I wanted as if he owed me? He doesn’t owe us anything, in fact, we don’t deserve any of the grace he offers. That’s why the author of Proverbs urges us to not rely on our own understanding.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

While I am far from the perfect bun mom (or mom in general when the time comes I’m sure!) it was pretty humbling to realize how often I find myself like Bentley. Doubting that God is good because of my circumstances, or doubting that His love is all I need. Sounds silly to compare to my bunny, but maybe we can all learn a bit from this lesson.

Want to adopt a bun pal of your own? Check out local shelters or domestic bunny surrender organizations. Like The Bunny Burrow Rabbit Rescue.