Things I learned from Blackout Tuesday…
I’ve taken in so much in the last five days that it all feels a bit like a blur. It’s easy for me to numb my emotions and thoughts as a 9. To feel everything so deeply that I seem to feel nothing at all. No matter what your skin color is, you may be feeling this weariness as well. Here are some thoughts I have.
Lots of black squares. This felt like silence, but definitely was a call to action for me and I’ll admit I realized I was following more white influencers and speakers so this was a change I made. But in muting some to give space for others to be heard, this I felt was a step in the right direction.
. Lack of hurtful intent doesn’t mean I haven’t hurt my POC friends with my words or actions. I’m sorry for my words and actions that have hurt you and I’m working to change this. I’ve taken some time to read friends texts, posts, dm’s they have received, etc. that were incredibly eye opening. This is hard to talk about and I’ll be honest I’ve never told anyone this story before. I was walking out of a childhood theatre one night and I was probably about the age of my little brother (12-13). I heard a group of older teens laughing about something and there was a young man of color walking with them. They had been out to the lake and were complaining about sunburns and the young man chimed in. The other white teens with him turned and stared at him. They laughed in his face. His girlfriend told him he couldn’t get sunburns because he was black. Then he laughed and they all walked out of the building together. I was shocked. He has skin doesn’t he? I thought. But maybe I was wrong, I hadn’t ever considered whether or not my black friends had to wear sunscreen, I just assumed they did! These teens however did not. They saw his darker skin and assumed he didn’t burn. He tried to tell them he hurt too and they laughed. They laughed at him.
I tell this story now because the story has been on repeat in my mind this week. How he laughed with them. Is that just how he had learned to respond to ignorant comments? It seemed just silly at the time, but now I realize how real that is for my friends of color. I apologize for any time I’ve said something that was ignorant or hurtful, I want to do better. We can do better.
Lack of words can be just as hurtful. I really don’t like conflict. There’s a scene in the TV show New Girl, where everyone is having a big fight in the loft and Nick Miller comes out dancing with a helmet on to shield his face saying, “I made up a dance so everyone will be happy!” He doesn’t engage in the argument, just tries to make everything better. I tend to be like Nick a lot with conflict occurs online or in person. I stay quiet, maybe post something someone else said to my story, but not speak outright about my beliefs. I know that if someone came to me specifically and asked how I felt about something, then I would tell them, but until then it’s just safer to keep silent.
My mom has been going through picture boxes since my birthday was last week. She found a lot with me as a little girl covered in band aids. I look like a rough girl unafraid of some action, but really I just liked band aids. They were a quick fix for any problem. I think I do that with adult problems and global issues too. But slapping a princess band aid won’t heal a bullet wound. It takes time, and getting the help needed to cure it.
I like to treat my words lightly. Not by just saying whatever I want, but not giving my words enough credit or weight. I like to just say it’s not my place, or no one will want to listen to me. But those are just excuses. There’s a time to speak up and a time to be silent. I’m learning to open my eyes as well as use my words to bring hope and healing to the hurting and fight the battles of those who can’t be heard.
I’m so tired-exhausted actually. Physically my head and eyes hurt. Mentally I hurt. And Emotionally I’m hurting. I’m hurting because, deep down, hurt people hurt people. I felt like I’ve tried to run this marathon as a sprint and I’m worn out. I know I’m not alone in this. But I’m realizing that this isn’t something that will be fixed fast with a princess band aid. Living through a pandemic and a historical movement is kind of exhausting in case you hadn’t noticed. I’m drinking a lot of coffee and not much water, and my sleep schedule is pretty much non-existent. If you feel this way too, first know-you’re not alone. And don’t beat yourself up like I’ve been. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re mental health isn’t the best right now either. The hurt from the past few days I’ve experienced through empathizing in their pain, doesn’t compare to the lifetime of weariness many have experienced before me.
This isn’t over. And I don’t think it’ll be over soon, but I love what Morgan Harper Nichols had to say in her recent poem on June 3rd, “Engage in the long, faithful work of awakening.” Did you hear that? Long, faithful, and work, aren’t always our favorite words here in America. Engage is also a big word there. Engage is an action word. Recognize that it’s ok to take a step back. Recognize how hard this is for everyone and especially people of color. Recognize that it’s very difficult to bring healing and growth in areas when you yourself are not healing or healthy. Take care of yourself. Hurt people hurt people, but healed people HEAL people.
